


Sometimes you gotta bleed just to know (that you're alive and have a soul)

by orphan_account



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, At least for a little bit, Happy Ending, Harry lives (ofc), He mainly wants revenge, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Normal Eggsy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3852877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin took a deep breath and spoke the traditional words that were delivered at the notification to next of kin of a knight’s death, altered only by the details of each individual knight’s death. “Eggsy, as of 1100 hours yesterday morning, Galahad was declared dead in service of Kingsman and in country. He died hono-.” </p>
<p>“NO!” Merlin started, both shocked to have been interrupted and by the anger Eggsy imbued in that one word. “No. We had a deal,” The young man continued stubbornly, looking Merlin dead in the eye. “We had a fuckin’ deal Merlin, we might not ever have talked about, but we had a fuckin’ deal. I got him to work happy and on time and you brought him back to me safely. I didn’t even ask for him to be in one piece, I ain’t that selfish and I would have loved him anyway, but I just asked that he come ho-ome.” The last word seemed to lose all of its heat and instead came out broken and lost. </p>
<p>Harry dies in the line of duty and his widow, Eggsy, has to find a way to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes you gotta bleed just to know (that you're alive and have a soul)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic in the Kingsman fandom, and my first fic that I have written and posted in... God, five years? So I'm definitely rusty, so any feedback would be appreciated. 
> 
> Also, I'm aware that the title is hella long, but its from the song 'Tear in my Heart' by Twenty One Pilots, and when I heard that line, I knew that I would be using it for a Kingsman fic.
> 
> So yeah, this gets a little sad, a little angsty, but it will all be okay in the end, swearsies.

Merlin hated making these kinds of visits. Normally, this kind of task was given to the Kingsman who knew the agent best, but in this case he felt that it was only right for him to make this call personally. He knocked on the lacquered front door and winced at hearing barking and the sound of happy laughter coming from within. The door swung open and the bright grin on the young man’s face immediately fell when he saw who had come to visit him. Merlin shifted on his feet awkwardly, words for once failing him. “No.” The boy said, shaking his head firmly as if sheer insistence would make it not be so.

“Eggsy….” Merlin said, not sure really how to continue with his line of thought in the face of all the grief the young man was expressing. “Let’s go inside and sit down and talk a bit, yeah?” With great difficulty he was able to steer Eggsy back into his house and onto the couch while JB, as if sensing his master’s distress, leapt up to curl next to him. Merlin in the meantime made both himself and Eggsy a cuppa and handed it to the boy and received a hoarse thanks in response. Merlin took a deep breath and spoke the traditional words that were delivered at the notification to next of kin of a knight’s death, altered only by the details of each individual knight’s death. “Eggsy, as of 1100 hours yesterday morning, Galahad was declared dead in service of Kingsman and in country. He died hono-.”

“NO!” Merlin started, both shocked to have been interrupted and by the anger Eggsy imbued in that one word. “No. We had a deal,” The young man continued stubbornly, looking Merlin dead in the eye. “We had a fuckin’ deal Merlin, we might not ever have talked about, but we had a fuckin’ deal. I got him to work happy and on time and you brought him back to me safely. I didn’t even ask for him to be in one piece, I ain’t that selfish and I would have loved him anyway, but I just asked that he come ho-ome.” The last word seemed to lose all of its heat and instead came out broken and lost.

Merlin took off his glasses. No one needed this to be recorded. “I can’t tell you how sad I am, Eggsy, truly. You know I’m no’ bullshitting you, that it’s the gods honest truth, I loved that man despite all the times I wanted to bloody strangle him. You know that and you know that there is nothing on this planet I would rather be doing than sitting on this couch with you and having this conversation.” He paused to take a big gulp of his tea before he continued. “But the fact of the matter is that Galahad served our organization and this country nobly and died in an honorable fashion in the line of fire which was befitting of a man of his caliber. As such we want to offer you this.” He pulled out the medallion and dangled it until Eggsy took it and stared at it numbly with eyes that weren’t really seeing.

“What is it?” Eggsy asked dully, turning the medallion over and over in his fingers.

“A token of our appreciation for the sacrifice both you and your husband made to keep the peace of not only our country, but the world. It is simply put: A favor. On the back there’s a number, if you should ever need assistance in any capacity call that number and tell them ‘Oxfords, not brogues’ and we will come to your aid.”

Eggsy’s eyes began to focus as Merlin could see the cogs beginning to turn in his head. The boy pressed his lips together before seeming to come to a decision. He thrust out the medallion back at Merlin. “I’m calling in the favor now. Oxfords, not brogues.”

Merlin who had been taking another sip of his coffee momentarily choked in a very undignified manner before he got himself under control. “I beg your pardon.” It wasn’t a question.

“You can beg it all you like bruv, I’m calling in the favor. Oxfords, not brogues.” The boy repeated with a stubborn air that Merlin recognized from all the stories Harry used to tell with a fond smile on his face.

“Very well, how can Kingsman aid you?” Merlin asked with a resigned air, not taking the medallion back, knowing this could only end poorly.

“Make me your candidate for Harry’s replacement. I know you lot don’t leave them seats empty for long, and I want to be the one to fill it.” Merlin closed his eyes at the request, and could almost hear Harry’s reaction to that, the fury in his voice as he vehemently opposed the idea.

“Absolutely not. For one, Merlin isn’t allowed to propose candidates for knighthood, and even if I could I wouldn’t.”

Eggsy stared at the medallion before looking back up at his husband’s oldest friend with blazing eyes. “Why the fuck not? ‘M not ‘Kingsman material’, as Harry liked to put it? Not posh enough for you lot?”

Merlin put down his mug with a dull thud and for the first time allowed a little anger to seep into his own voice. Anger at the situation he was in because his friend made a stupid fucking decision, anger at himself for going along with the decision, and the tiniest bit of anger for this young, stupid, grieving man sitting in front of him clutching a medallion like it was a lifeline. “Get that fucking chip off your shoulder Eggsy. Six months ago I would have said that you would have made a stellar Kingsman, proper agent material…. But Galahad’s death changes things, your husband’s death changes things, and if you can sit there and honestly tell me that you wouldn’t fill his seat with thoughts of rage and revenge on the persons responsible for his death, than I would pledge you in a heartbeat, I would have found a way. Like this though, hell bent on bloodshed and revenge, you’re useless to us and not only that; a liability,” Merlin finished with a sigh, regretting maybe for the first time ever, how blunt he had to be but it was important that the lad in front of him understood the situation.

Finally Eggsy made eye contact with him, and for the first time that morning his gaze was filled with tears. “Then get out, and take this fucking piece of junk with you.” He threw the medallion at Merlin who picked it up along with his glasses that he put back on. “It won’t give me what I need, so I don’t even want it.” He drew his knees up to his chest and began to sob brokenly as his little pug next to him nudged his legs in an effort to comfort his master.

Merlin carefully placed the medallion back on the table. Eggsy might not want it now- hell he might not want it ever- but he had earned the favor nonetheless. He stood up and stared around the townhouse. He had been here many times, pre and post- Eggsy and while the home of Harry Hart was just as tastefully decorated now as it had been before he had met the love of his life, it was only after the young man had moved in that the townhouse finally felt like a home. There were a row of shoes that contrasted each other vastly in their types, sneakers next to oxfords nevertheless lined up neatly next to an umbrella stand that held a standard Kingsman issued umbrella next to more noticeable plaid umbrella. The dining room table still had the remnants of the last meal shared together, and the coffee table was covered in textbooks and notebooks. Eggsy, Merlin remembered from Harry’s ample boasts that he had tried to tune out in vain, was enrolled in uni once more. Correspondence course from Oxford. Harry had been well chuffed about it.

He took another look at the lonely boy sitting on the couch with his pet still trying to lick him and make him happy again. He thought about saying something else but in the end decided to just leave. He would be seeing the boy in a couple of days anyway, and he wouldn’t be any happier with him then than he was now.

Merlin stepped out of the townhouse and blinked at the bright light that blinded his eyes before his glasses adjusted to the sun. For once the London sky wasn’t foggy and overcast but was a rather brilliant blue occupied by a brightly shining and sun and wasn’t that just a fuckin’ joke of it all. He shook his head and made his way down the steps. It wasn’t until he was in the Kingsman issued cab and well into the snarl of London traffic that he spoke. “It’s done.”

"Very well,” Came the crisp voice of their newest Arthur, tinged with pain that he was valiantly and futilely trying to hide. “How did he take the news?”

“How the bloody buggering fuck do you _think_ he took it?” Merlin snapped.

There was a pause. “I see. Well, thank you for doing your duty Merlin. You can return to the shop now.”

“Understood Arthur, “ And with that, Merlin cut the transmission and allowed himself the next twenty minutes until he reached the shop, to compose himself.

…

Day one was spent curled up on the couch in the den waiting for Harry to come home, because his husband _wasn’t dead_.

Days two through four were spent much the same way as day one; except Eggsy had migrated upstairs to the bed he shared with his husband who definitely wasn’t fucking dead, with JB and a bottle of his and Harry’s finest bottle of scotch to keep him company.

On day five, Merlin came back, accompanied this time by two of his minions from the Ealdor division with somber expressions on their faces as they enter his home and pointedly ignore the stench of alcohol in the air and the shirt that was just a bit too big on him.

They took everything. Eggsy didn’t even think it was an over exaggeration to say that they had taken everything he could possibly associate with Harry. His black umbrella from the stand, leaving only Eggsy’s plaid one present, sad and lonely; all of the files from his office were removed. Their knife set- which was apparently Kingsman issued, though now that Eggsy thought about it they had never rusted and he had never seen Harry take them to be sharpened- was taken along with a choice number of dinner plates that were apparently bullet proof, and what the _fuck_ , Harry?

Then they had moved upstairs and into their bedroom and though they were somber and respectful, bordering on reverent Eggsy still felt like they were intruding. Wanted to rage at them, wanted to tell them to get out, to go fuck themselves, to leave him alone while he waited for his husband to come home because he _wasn’t dead_. But he didn’t, he stayed quiet, leaning against the door, watching them pilfer and plunder in the name of their almighty agency and did nothing.

Nothing that is, until they approached the closet. He straightened up and leapt from the door frame and shoved Merlin away from the door. “No. Fuckin’ no, Merlin. I let you have all that other shite because it don’t mean nothing in the long run, but you ain’t fuckin’ touchin’ my husband’s suits. You lot can fuck right off to fuckin’ Avalon for all I care,” he snarled out with more courage than he felt in that moment, mainly because he mostly felt drunk and numb and very, very sad.

Merlin seemed to understand, and even though both of his minions had withdrawn weapons when Eggsy had attacked their boss- the female a switchblade, and the male a pistol- he merely sat Eggsy on the bed and knelt eye level with him. “Eggsy. I don’t wanna, but I have to. Almost everything Harry ever wore was Kingsman issued. You know what some of those ‘ordinary’ objects were capable of; we can’t just leave them here. It’s just protocol. I’m sorry.”

Eggsy didn’t say anything in response, just reached over to the bedside table and took a swig of scotch straight from the bottle. He didn’t bother telling Merlin and his muppets that it was bloody useless of them to take everything, because his husband _wasn’t dead_ and they would just need to bring it all back anyways. He didn’t need to see the pity on their faces.

Merlin just sighed and patted Eggsy on the knee before rising and joining his minions in the closet. “What the fuck were you thinking? Drawing weapons on _him_ in _this_ house?” Eggsy heard him hiss at his minions. There was a brief pause. “He just lost his husband; he’s in _mourning_ you ninnies.” Nothing more was said, but periodically they would come out of the closet loaded down with garment bags while Eggsy just sat there and watched while he took more swigs from the bottle.

They took Harry’s suits, all of his ties, every single pair of his shoes for some reason, and his cufflinks. Eggsy by that time, had migrated over blearily to take it all, and spoke up for the first time in two hours, his voice a rusty mess. “You’re not taking all of ‘em are ya?” All three heads turned towards him as if on a swivel. “All of ‘is cufflinks? I gave ‘im some of those, I’ll point them out, you don’t need to take those.”

Again, Merlin’s gaze was apologetic while his minions firmly fixed their eyes on the floor and god but Eggsy was fucking sick of Merlin giving him that look. “I’m sorry Eggsy, but… Harry had most of the cufflinks you gifted him with modified in some manner so in a way they’re still Kingsman tech.”

Eggsy furrowed his brows. “He… modified my gifts? I thought he loved them.” He stated, feeling very thrown off, but he wasn’t worried. When Harry came back he’d have a lot of explaining to do, that was for fucking sure.

Merlin looked at him with sorrow. “He did, he treasured those cufflinks, wouldn’t leave our workstations while we worked on them, but if he was going to wear them all the time, even in the field, we had to add some capabilities to them. It was bloody annoying having him hover all the time.”

Eggsy huffed out a laugh that was choked with a sob. “Fine, just take it all I guess. And then get out of my house.” Merlin bowed his head and then got back to his task of putting the cuff links in individual silk bags while his minions gathered the last of what they had come for, which apparently included Harry’s shoe polish. Fucking wankers.

When they were gone, Eggsy finally allowed himself to break. For the first time since hearing about Harry’s death, he allowed himself to cry. Sitting alone in half of an empty closet and clutching a nearly empty bottle of scotch he allowed himself to break down in great gasping tears.

**Author's Note:**

> As of right now, this will probably be about 10,000 words, 2/3 chapters total. I'm dipping my toes in the water as it were. Good day to you all!
> 
> Please flail with me about Kingsman, and about the CONFIRMED SEQUEL on my tumblr: [liesoftlyandsweetly](http://liesoftlyandsweetly.tumblr.com/) . Always accepting head canons and prompts! Also! May is Love Up Fic Writer month, so I'll be doing some fic recs and generally being mushy about all the lovely people that exist in this fandom.


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